Please Say You Understand

Please Say You Understand
http://www.additudemag.com/adhdblogs/1/9509.html

I am a nomad. I don't stay anywhere long. But after 36 years of constant motion, I still haven't outrun my ADHD -- or the deep sadness that has seeped in lately.
Adult ADHD Blog (A Woman's Perspective) | posted by Jane D. | Monday March 12th - 7:02pm
Filed Under: ADHD and Depression, ADHD and Anxiety, Stress
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Perhaps this city's lack of sun and its smothering gray sky are responsible for my recent funk -- more painful and longer lasting than others I've endured. I've been trying to swim or write myself out of it, but without much success. It is like one step forward two steps back.

Then again, maybe it is the anticipation of visiting relatives, or the cultural differences that have progressed from amusing to annoying and now painful. One way or another, the dam is starting to crack; the pieces are crumbling to the ground. I can't escape this one, it seems. What am I annoyed or angry about? The root perhaps lies in the anger with myself.

The other day in class I gave the students an assignment: Interview and write profiles of one another. The odd student out interviewed me. "Ms. Jane D., tell me about yourself and about your work. Where have you worked before?"

"Well where do I begin?" I answered. "I've had roughly 14 jobs over the past 14 years, averaging one job per year." This 20-year-old student stopped scribbling and looked confused.

"Seems like you have seen many places but not stayed very long." She hit it dead on. I don't stay one place very long and not always out of choice -- sometimes I get cut; other times I feel the other shoe dropping and I jump. I made up an answer, which sounded like a lot of bull.

"Oh, traveling from place to place makes for good life experiences. I've learned a lot at each place," I started. But somewhere the sentence trailed off and I didn't sound very convincing. Who was I trying to fool? Myself? I am nomadic. Why can't I just accept this part of me rather than trying to talk myself out of it.

This reminder by a relative stranger was enough to throw me into a tizzy. Life is perhaps more about the choices that we make than it is about fate. If I could choose things all over again, would I choose this life? Would I choose to be me? On this day as I write, I can say that I would not.

Last week, I shared with the British counselor my feelings about things -- this funk, this unhappiness with myself and circumstances, and the absolute misery and moodiness I carried around this past month or so. She nodded sympathetically and said, "God helps those who help themselves."

We talked about my problems sustaining long-term relationships whether professionally and personally, and she suggested that it may be my body language, tone of my voice, and perhaps my own difficulty with reading others.

Mostly, though, I wanted to ask her if there was a medication that would take it all away, that could dull the pain and renew my spirit in myself and others. She said she did not know because she was not a psychiatrist, and she said she thought these were behavioral issues that I could change however slowly and painfully.

I don't see any hope at the end of the tunnel. After sharing my deepest and inner-most fears with the aunt, she looked away and had little to say except maybe this comes and goes in phases, maybe you have to stop telling yourself it's a problem. It felt like a slap in the face and a betrayal.

"How could you say something like that?" I asked. "It feels so heartless, it would be nice if someone just said they understood."

I could not get even that, and I felt more alone than ever. A chill had entered the room and remained.

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Selama hampir 6 tahun saya telah diobati untuk bi-polar disorder, dan telah mencoba setiap metode yang dikenal tersedia untuk dokter saya, seorang psikiater di aria Metro-Deroit. Setelah rentetan obat, bulanan perjalanan ke bangsal 3 Rehab jiwa di Wyandotte Hospital dan dua seri ECT-(Electro-kejang Terapi), bunuh diri mulai terlihat seperti pilihan terbaik untuk diriku sendiri, dan bagi mereka yang saya taruh di neraka dengan saya sakit. Dalam enam tahun, saya pergi dari; "Saya tidak ingin kehilangan everthing" ... untuk ... "Saya tidak punya apa-apa kehilangan".

Pada hari Aku telah merencanakan untuk tidur dengan fishies, saya berada di kantor dokter saya. Saya katakan padanya semua perasaan saya kecuali pikiran untuk bunuh diri. Semacam pengungkapan selalu memimpin ke rumah sakit, dan setelah ECT pertunjukan, aku tidak akan ada. Saya katakan padanya aku lelah sepanjang waktu. Saya tidak bisa fokus pada hal-hal mentaly, dan melupakan hal-hal seperti perintah di tempat kerja. Dia memberiku sebuah perscription untuk Adderall dan berkata mencoba ini dan biarkan aku tahu bagaimana Anda melakukannya.

WOW! Aku tidak percaya apa yang terjadi. Seolah-olah aku telah melemparkan sebuah tombol di itu begitu cepat. Saya mendengarkan ... bahkan kepada istri saya! Dan whats lebih itu semua mendaftar. Sebenarnya saya mulai termotivasi, finnishing proyek saya telah ditinggalkan dan implimenting yang baru dengan mudah.

Suatu hari beberapa bulan lalu, saya mulai mempertanyakan apakah saya perlu melanjutkan pengambilan prozac seharusnya untuk kondisi saya bi-polar. Sementara belajar tentang masalah ini, saya mulai meneliti di internet di mana saya menemukan forum ini, dan belajar untuk pertama kalinya gejala ADHD dan seolah-olah saya sedang membaca bagan sendiri. Aku mengambil temuan saya ke dokter saya yang hanya tersenyum dan direkomendasikan saya terus mengambil prozac. Saya meninggalkan kantornya seperti anak sekolah menantang dan dalam waktu 4 minggu harus disapih diriku off prozac.

Yang sudah lebih dari 3 bulan sekarang, dan efek hanya dari dicabutnya prozac telah visi improoved, banyak, fungsi seksual BANYAK improoved.

Jadi jika Anda sedang dirawat untuk ADHD dan depresi, mungkin bahwa ADHD adalah alasan untuk penyakit lainnya. Saya tidak merekomendasikan bahwa ada yang menggunakan metode saya diri diagnosis. Aku mengambil kesempatan. Kalau sekarang, saya pikir saya akan melakukannya lebih baik untuk berkonsultasi dengan dokter lain, karena seseorang yang memperlakukan penderitaan sendiri memiliki tolol untuk dokter.